I have always disliked Black Friday. Back in the dark ages, when the Internet wasn’t a thing, I gleefully poked fun at anybody who was so materialistic and money hungry that they would endure riot-sized crowds to save a dollar or two. I worked at Starbucks for many years, and even though we weren’t a big Black Friday destination, the crowds were always bad and the customers were always grumpy and shouldn’t we all just be at home eating leftovers and loving our families?
Over the years, I’ve mellowed about…everything. Turns out if you poke fun of somebody in your 20s you are guaranteed to do that same thing sometime in the next two decades. So here I am, materialistic and money hungry, setting my alarm for 12:01 on Thanksgiving so that I can score some deals (I am not braving crowds. Although two years ago I did go to Walmart in the afternoon to buy my grandmother-in-law an iPad, which has saved us money in the long run because blah blah blah this is boring).
At any rate, everything in my house is breaking and it’s hitting a breaking point (get it?) and we don’t have any room in the budget. My husband had to take the dishwasher apart again, and his diagnosis is that, given how often we have had to take it apart, and how the frequency is really ramping up, it’s not long for the world. His other diagnosis is that you can’t get a dishwasher delivered from Lowe’s or whatever on the day it breaks, and you can’t get it installed right away, and the dang thing is screaming at us that if we don’t set something up NOW we are going to be very very sorry, so we might think about being proactive on this one. We’re debating back and forth – should we take advantage of Black Friday sales for this? Right now the answer seems to be no, but tune back in in a day or two to find out the answer to this cliffhanger.
The vacuum cleaner, too, hit its last legs several months ago and now it has a hole in one of the stretchy tube parts that apparently isn’t replaceable (hmm. Maybe I could find it if I Googled something other than “stretchy tube thing”?). I don’t know if you know this but a vacuum cleaner requires a vacuum to clean and that hole is really hampering things in that regard. We have patched the hole up with electrical tape and it vacuums, but…maybe it’s more accurate to say it caresses the carpet.
No lie, yesterday I was doing exercises that involved lying on the carpet for a few seconds in a sports bra and when I stood up, 2-year-old Amelia (best age for being blunt) said “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BACK??” Nothing. Well, I do have that morphea thing that is weird but I wouldn’t say “wrong,” more like quirky, but anyway, the point is, there is currently a thick layer of dirt and nutjob puppy hair in our carpet that is simply unpickupable unless you are willing to lay down on it with a sweaty back.
So here I am, materialistic and money hungry on Black Friday. We don’t have the space in our budget for much of anything but for real we are soon going to lose somebody in the tar pits of our living room and I can get a vacuum from Kohl’s – one that can maybe handle our disgusting lives – for $85 plus Kohl’s cash. Oh and there is a food processor I can get for my mother-in-law for $2.14 after rebates so I guess I’m doing the thing and setting my alarm for 12:01 (I haven’t seen the other side of midnight in years). I’m also picking up a few birthday presents for Viv, who for some reason I decided to birth in early January, because if I’m doing the thing I might as well go whole hog.
Which I guess is sort of the quintessential Black Friday story and I, dear friends, I am your stereotypical soccer mom Black Friday shopper living in a suburb and having too much debt. If I’m not careful, I’m going to find myself picking up a wood carving to hang on the wall that says “Live, Laugh, Love,” or whatever, and then I’m really going to have to fix my van door because those Joneses would not approve of that hunk-o-junk minivan I’m driving around in.
Happy Thanksgiving! If you need me, try texting at 12:03 on Thursday morning, as I lay in bed and think about my choices.